Triangle API

Archive for the ‘Practice Positive Discipline’ Category

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At our last meeting I pulled out a copy of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber, & Elaine Mazlish.

Our attending families took turns reading paragraphs and I wanted to share one of the first paragraphs of the book.

Direct connection between how kids feel and how they behave.

• When kids feel right, they’ll behave right.
• How do we help them to feel right?
• By accepting their feelings!

Problem – Parents don’t usually accept their children’s feelings; for example:

• “You don’t really feel that way.”
• “You’re just saying that because you’re tired.”
• “There’s no reason to be so upset.”

They go on to say that they remember thinking, maybe other parents did that, but they didn’t, but went home and found instant examples of how it can happen and not noticing it when it does. (Listing a couple to demonstrate, some from the book, some I overhear.)

Child: Mommy, I’m Tired

Parent: You couldn’t be tired. You just napped.

Child: But I’m tired.

Parent: You’re not tired. You’re just a little sleepy.

Child: That TV show was boring.

Parent: No it wasn’t. It was interesting.

Child: It was stupid.

Parent: It was educational.

Child: It stunk.

Parent: Don’t talk that way

Child: I don’t like this food.

Parent: Yes you do.

Child: I don’t want to eat it. I don’t like it.

Parent: You do like it and you will eat it.

The book then mentions how the conversations turn into arguments and how they were telling their children over and over not to trust their own perceptions, but only rely on the parents instead.

Our children have their own needs and their own personalities. As parents it is our responsibility to nurture their individuality and teach them to trust their emotions and feelings.

One of the things I sometimes see parents do is when a child is crying or hurt a parent will either ask them to suck it up and brush it off, or the big one I find myself doing,  picking up my child and saying you are okay. I think we do this because it is what we hear others doing and because we want our child to feel better quickly and it helps us feel better about the situation.

What would be ideal and what I have been making a point of doing, is going to my child and asking him if he is okay. If he is crying, telling him I understand that he needs to cry, he is feeling hurt and this is a great way to get out those hurtful feelings he has inside right now. If he is physically okay, I tell him that I understand it hurts now, and I hope he feels better soon.

I want him to be able understand his feelings and feel free to express them. When I am telling him he is okay or telling him that he isn’t feeling what he is telling me he is feeling, he gets angry. Understandably so. I get frustrated when I am saying something is hurting me either emotionally or physically and someone tells me, Oh you don’t mean that, or you don’t feel that way, and I didn’t make you feel that way.

This is also something that parents can work on with each other within the family unit and within their community. Practicing with each other helps us relearn how to speak with empathy, understanding and respect of each others feelings.

There is another side to this where I see parents who appear to over empathize with their children when they are causing distress to others.  We can still empathize with our child but also let our child know that what they are doing may have been what they wanted, but it wasn’t something that was safe, allowed, or it encroaching upon someone another persons or beings rights.

Other Examples:

Child: I want this! (Pulling diapers out of a bag at a friends house)

Parent: Well it isn’t really hurting anyone and commenting how cute he looks with the diaper on his head.

Owner of Diaper Bag: Please don’t pull my diapers out of the bag, these are my diapers and I would like to keep them clean, wiping chocolate off of the diapers.

Child: But I  WANT to play with them!!!

Parent: I don’t see what he was doing that hurt your diapers, its not like you can’t wash them.

Child: I want that toy!

Parent: Okay well trade out with the other child.

Other Child: I don’t want to trade, I am playing with it.

Parent: Well my child wants to trade, you have to trade!

Other Child: No, I am playing with it, it is my toy.

Child: Walks over smashes toy.

Parent: If you would have traded he wouldn’t have smashed it. Besides it was cheap junk and wouldn’t have broken if it had been made properly.

The parent has let the child express themselves, but at the expense to others dignity, property and emotions. It is showing the child that the person who was upset and expressed that feeling shouldn’t be listened to or empathized with, that only what they are feeling is important. It is important to not just teach our child they are the only ones with feelings, but each person has feelings and needs and if the needs we have are hurting others then perhaps they are more desires and not needs that should be met.

Triangle API Gentle Discipline Guide Postcard

Triangle API has this little postcard you can pick up at our next meeting if you did not receive it the previous one that helps us remember to treat our children as individuals. It also reminds us that Attachment Parenting is about gentle respectful discipline & guidance, not “no discipline” or guidance, and it is not about ruling over our families.

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